The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing — and How It Holds Women Back in Leadership
Lately, people-pleasing and its connection to leadership has been coming up frequently in leadership coaching calls.
Most of us, and I’ll say especially women, have learned to prioritize other people’s needs over our own. We’re socialized to be caretakers and nurturers, to smooth over conflict, to be agreeable and helpful. It’s no wonder that people-pleasing can feel like second nature. It’s almost like it’s embedded in our DNA.
At its core, people-pleasing isn’t inherently bad. It comes from something deeply human: our need to be liked, accepted, and to belong. Those are fundamental social needs that keep us connected to others.
But here’s the problem, when that need becomes so loud that we start sacrificing our own voice, needs, and ideas to meet it, we begin to lose a sense of belonging to ourselves.
And that loss can quietly chip away at our confidence, self-esteem, and sense of worth.
How People-Pleasing Shows Up in Leadership
In their book How Women Rise, Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith describe “the disease to please” as one of twelve habits that hold many women back in their careers.
They discuss how women are often rewarded from a young age for being “nice,” “helpful,” and “easy to work with.” Over time, our value becomes tied to how much we can do for others, how agreeable we are, and how little space we take up with our own needs.
As we begin to progress in our careers and lives, that pattern can follow us into leadership.
We might:
Say yes when we really want to say no.
Take on extra work so we don’t disappoint anyone.
Stay quiet in meetings even when we have something important to say.
Avoid difficult conversations for fear of being seen as “difficult.”
I know I’ve been guilty of all of these things in my career.
While qualities like empathy, intuition, and sensitivity are usually at the heart of people-pleasing, and are incredible leadership strengths, when they override our ability to speak up, set boundaries, or make hard decisions, we end up giving our power away and reduce the impact and influence we have with others.
True leadership, and true confidence, requires learning to hold both: compassion and clarity, care for others and care for ourselves.
Reclaiming Belonging to Yourself
At its heart, breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming less kind or less collaborative. It’s about reclaiming your own voice and power so you can lead from authenticity rather than approval.
When we start to belong to ourselves again, we can:
Speak our truth without apology.
Make bold, values-aligned decisions.
Lead from genuine confidence instead of constant self-doubt.
Create impact not because we’re liked, but because we’re real.
This is the shift from external validation to internal trust.
It’s how we reignite the light that gets dimmed by years of overgiving and overextending.
Reflect and Reconnect
If any of this resonates, I invite you to reflect on a few questions:
Where do I notice myself putting others’ needs before my own?
How often do I find myself saying yes when I really mean no?
What resentment or burnout might be signaling it’s time for change?
What do I truly want for my life and how much am I investing in that version of me?
A Note from Tess
I coach emerging and mid-level women leaders who are ready to bolster their leadership skills and mindset so they can step into bigger roles, lead with poise, and confidently deliver high-impact results. If you’re ready to stop leading for approval and start leading from authenticity so you can increase your impact and prepare for bigger roles, I’d love to connect.
